I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
