doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I did not marry a roomba.
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