So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it's like iHOP with fire
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
