My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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