Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
