I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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