Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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