she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
