Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
