Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
