I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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