CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
two words...techno handjob
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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