She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
