i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ugly people sure do ruin things
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
