kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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