I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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