tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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