dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
