Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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