last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
