i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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