Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
