I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
