anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
