I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
