i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
