I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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