Sry I called you an 8
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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