"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
