I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
