goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize