Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
