Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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