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• (720): View more from Colorado

  Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm that good.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.

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• (740): View more from Ohio

  You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

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• (618): View more from Illinois

  Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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• (434): View more from Virginia

  My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out

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• (518): View more from New York

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.

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• (236): View more from

  I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???

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