First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
