I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
