You're completely useless in the revolution.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
