I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
