So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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