Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
