We're facebook friends in real life
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize