dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
