Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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