Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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