I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
