I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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