Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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