No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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