If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
