She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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