just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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