I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
