Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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