R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
