I just threw up on my dentist
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize