i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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