Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
